New Year, New Start

Well, I haven't posted for over a year, so here goes…

Life has got increasingly more difficult, to the extent that the husband and I have been having couples therapy since the Summer.  I saw my own counsellor to begin with, and medication has changed and stopped - sertraline probably had the best effects, but I reduced that and came off it in September.

I am now on propranalol again, which doesn't seem to do much, but am about to go back to the doctors (again) to see if I can try anything for depression.

Sarah started school in September, and today is a momentous day, the day that my baby Charlotte has started pre-school.  She set off this morning with her rucksack on her back, having walked to school, wearing big girl pants, and I've had the morning to myself.

So far I've made a dentist appointment, and an audiology appointment for Sarah, paid for her ballet classes, put the christmas books away, sorted out a parcel that needs sending back, made a couple of piles of things for the charity shop, and it is still only 10.55am!

rubbish year

Blimey I can't believe I haven't posted since last Christmas, where did that time go?  It really has been a miserable year, with one thing and another.  In March my Nan had a fall at on the first day of her stay at her new nursing home, and ended up in hospital with a brain haemorrhage.  After a week the doctors called my parents in to say we were looking at days, possibly three, and thus started a hectic, chaotic, stressful and painful vigil.  Mum and I seemed to be backwards and forwards to the hospital, visiting several times a day, sometimes with Charlotte, sometimes at night…  I even had the day off work for it. Spent one night there on my own, one night there with Amy, the days blur into weeks, and finally, three weeks later, after a tearful conversation with the consultant I decided to head for home, and left Nan with Mum and Dad.  She peacefully passed away, and there ended one of the most difficult periods in my life.  Realising that Mum needed me - she couldn't manage the physical being at the hospital around the clock, and couldn't manage the planning of the next 'shift' - we were constantly having to make 'the plan' and adjust it according to what we were told.  We talked and talked, occasionally knitted, made plans, saw people, made friends with the staff.  There were many positives, but there were horrible lows, and it was so, so difficult.  The funeral enabled us all to draw a positive line under it all - and was 'as she would have wanted it' we think.  Then the clearing of the bungalow began in earnest and it is now on the market.

We've been on our annual holiday, this year to two different places, East Allington and Dittisham.  It coincided with a time when I was changing medication from the Venlafaxine I was on, to beta blockers (PropPranolol).  Stress has just continued for weeks, getting progressively worse as I went back to work, and as the teaching and preparation for Ofsted mounted…  so I'm now back to square one, on 50mg of Sertraline, and feeling utterly exhausted.

Its beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

My dose of sertraline was upped to 100mg last week, and I'm struggling with headaches/cold/achey etc, not a great start to the holiday season!

We had Elizabeth and Edward's nativity service at the church on Tuesday (Edward was a wise man, Elizabeth read out part of a poem in the introductory part).  I even managed to get home early from work.  I started wrapping presents yesterday, having finalised all the last minute items from Amazon, where most of our stuff has come from this year.  I have made the Christmas gravy, but despite best intentions, not much more (at the moment).  I'm so tired, and really feel up against it this year.  I'm trying my best not to worry, but there is so much to do.  Sarah and Charlotte have just had their Ladybirds Christmas party, and are now upstairs sleeping it off, and I'm just building up to doing some cleaning before the school run.  Last bit of peace and quiet before they are all home for the holidays!

On the up...

Half-term marked a bit of a turning point for me.  After a fraught weekend of arguing, we went off to ThinkTank in Birmingham and spent the day there with the children, Pizza Express for lunch, nice day (apart from the rain) then had another huge argument on our return when I spent half an hour trying to get the shopping in Sainsburys.  I reached a point where I felt I'd had enough, couldn't cope, was at breaking point.   In desperation went to the GP the next day to describe how panicky I feel if e.g. the dishwasher isn't unloaded, or things aren't done.  Feel confused and irritable, making mistakes, getting in a frenzy a lot of the time, tired all the time... could it be hormonal?  Could it be anxiety?

Anyway, she prescribed Sertraline 50mg per day, which I duly started two weeks ago now.  To begin with I felt utterly dreadful - migraine-like headache, and a bit out of it.  This lasted four days, and by the time the fifth day came I felt a bit more normal again.  I still feel anxious - and now I can't sleep either, so hopefully am going to start feeling better soon.

I also had a Mirena coil fitted this week.  Bit unpleasant, but hopefully that will take a weight of my mind as I don't think I'd cope with an unplanned fifth baby.

House... house... house...

We're not quite at the 12 month anniversary of moving in to our house, but slowly and at long long last, we are getting a few things done.  The decorators are coming in the next few weeks to paint the external windows (cills and headers).  We're having new flooring in the downstairs toilet and the two upstairs bathrooms, and a new carpet in the playroom (not exactly by choice, but each child in turn had a go at pulling the same thread, which resulted in a hole appearing).  We've had some builders in today trying to sort out the damp patch in the girls' bedroom, so we just need to wait until that dries out to see whether the problem is solved.  We had a drainage man come round earlier in the Summer who advised us we probably didn't need to do anything else to the drains, so we were relatively happy with that news.  I'd have liked to have spent what we'd just 'saved' ourselves on the decorating, but don't think husband would sanction that.  Oh, and on Monday we had the gardeners in to tidy up the beautiful garden in readiness for Winter.  So all in all, we're getting somewhere - after seemingly months of chasing quotes and having people traipse through... a little bit to show for it.  Can't say we've really put our mark on the house in any way.  All we've done is have the dishwasher fitted in the kitchen, altered the outlet pipe where the washing machine attached to the boiler.  We haven't even put up a shelf or painted anywhere, or done anything.  We do have a half-constructed skate ramp in the garden though.

ironing away the Summer

It is Thursday of the first week back at school, and the girls are both napping, so I'm catching up with the ironing.  There is a huge pile that has steadily been building, and I've taken the opportunity to put last night's Grand Designs on and spend half an hour working through.  Very sad ironing Charlotte's Summer tops - her little peach coloured cotton 'cover-up' from Next, her all-in-one's - she won't be wearing those again.  Ironing Elizabeth's dresses and Summer tops... all the memories of seeing her wearing them on the beach in Devon and every day of our holiday.  Likewise Edward's lovely navy shorts, and his brightly coloured t-shirts - now he'll be in black/grey/royal blue, and all the colour seems to have been wiped away.  He won't be wearing most of these clothes again either.  So many happy times, why do they have to end??

First day of school

Edward's first day!!  Obligatory photos on the doorstep, and Elizabeth and Edward walked calmly to school together holding hands, with their matching (Edward's in green, Elizabeth's in blue) rucksacks on.  Elizabeth went off through the gates as normal, and we waited then parked up the buggy and I carried Charlotte and herded Sarah in, so that we could help Edward get his dinner money, his water bottle, and hang his bag up on his peg - a rhinoceros!

Left him sitting looking at a couple of wooden jigsaw puzzles on a table, and next time I'd turned around Mrs H had all the newbies sitting in a little circle on the carpet in front of him.  Didn't look back - he seemed absolutely fine.

And off goes Elizabeth into her year 2/3 class, ready to learn all about Queen Victoria, and hopefully to read lots more, and we wait expectantly to see whether Mrs H can put a 'rocket up her bottom'... we'll see.

The two littlies are having their nap, which leaves me on my own for the first time in absolutely ages, able to update my blog.  I'm back at work, been back two weeks, exhausted and not enjoying it but hopeful that once the students return and some sort of normality returns it won't seem so bad.

Off for a hen do this Saturday, so looking forward to that with a sense of trepidation really as I haven't been 'out out' in sooooo long.  Wedding coming up in mid October, got my dresses already.  Been asked to be Godparents to my cousin's lovely baby girl, Eloise, so looking forward to that in early November.