Pain........ arghhh!

Last week I was supremely positive. I had the chiropractor's appointment on Monday, and was reassured that my pelvis was in good shape. I still had to be re-aligned, but she was very pleased with my progress. I asked her about using a birthing ball, and she recommended that it could do no harm, only good. After that I had my second antenatal yoga class on the Tuesday, and felt very relaxed, calm and positive. On Thursday I went out and bought a gym ball, and proceeded to spend two hours that evening sitting and gently rocking on it. I repeated this on Friday, and on Saturday - then felt terrible!

My back has begun to seize up - on the right-hand side. I can just 'lock' in position, particularly if I've been standing awkwardly e.g. getting Elizabeth in or out of the car. Also, my pelvis hurts - feels like I've been kicked by a horse. I don't know whether it is a reaction to the re-alignment, or to sitting on the ball. I laid off the ball on Sunday, but am tentatively sitting on it for small amounts of time now, as things aren't quite as painful. I hate this not knowing whether I'm doing the right thing or not!

Claire at group gave me a copy of her effective birth preparation CD using hypnotherapy, so that is something else to explore. It is Tuesday again, so in a few minutes time I'll be off to prepare the casserole for husband and Elizabeth while I go out to yoga. House feels like a mess, have swept and cleaned non-stop (or so it seems) but still grass, gravel, bits etc on floor, dust everywhere, stairs dirty... eurgh! it gets me down.

Elizabeth had new shoes yesterday - £28. Bought her some Winter wellies as well, so she is set up (for a few weeks at least) and I think her Winter coats still fit her thank goodness. She is stringing more and more two word sentences together:

Bye Daddy
Hello Mummy
Blue car
Red car
Snow man
alarm clock
garage door etc.

We've got the 20 week scan tomorrow, so husband is taking half a day off work to accompany me for that. Have felt the baby move almost daily, so feeling reassured that it is ok on that front, but obviously concerned about the abnormality checks.

bad news...

Only days ago I was commenting to a friend that 'you never know what is around the corner' and sure enough, a new corner was turned yesterday. Lloyds TSB have taken over HBOS, husband's employer, and it looks like 40,000 employees will lose their jobs. Oh God. Perhaps we shouldn't buy the new sofas at the weekend. Feel incredibly stressed about it actually, although there is nothing concrete to worry about at the moment. Just generalised anxiety about the fact that his job is unsafe. Our whole world would be turned upside down, I don't know how we'd cope.

My job goes from bad to worse. My classes at the women's college have been cancelled leaving me three hours short on my timetable, so I have been assigned a tutor group and a key skills class. I'm really worried about what that means, as I'll effectively only be teaching 1.5 hours of Psychology, and will that mean that after my maternity leave I have no right to return to psychology teaching? Fired off an email to my line manager yesterday stating that the decision doesn't make sense as the poxy VT is teaching AS and A2, and was told to discuss it on Friday rather than send emails back and forth. Great.

Yoga was good though - really enjoyed it. It was the first time I'd missed Elizabeth's bedtime, and she had her tea and settled down fine. I felt incredibly relaxed, and it wasn't too strenuous at all - I was reassured that the woman knew all about SPD and was being very cautious about me not overdoing it.

Went out with Mummy friends last night for a drink - and was struck by however much we do or don't work we still carry the full responsibility for everything child-related, and all the guilt. Swimming today - all fine. Shattered. Nice sunny day though.

scans, dates, doulas...

On Monday 25th August we had a lovely day - went off to Shrewsbury in the morning, took Elizabeth to the Quarry, fed the ducks, went to the park, then had lunch in Pizza Express. She ate pasta and tomato sauce followed by strawberry sundae. We then went on to RSH and I had my scan at 2pm. One baby, heart beating, all is well!!! Phew! The only thing was that they gave me a new EDD: 17th February instead of 28th February, and I immediately started to panic about being induced if the baby is overdue... Elizabeth understood a little of what went on, she recognises the picture of the baby, and knows Mummy has a baby in her tummy for her to say 'hello hello' to, wave, pat and kiss.

Since then we told more of our friends, I've told my line manager and a few colleagues from work, and it is becoming more of a reality. I've been through some quite depressing days - I started taking Spatone thinking that the sheer exhaustion was adding to my bleak feelings, and the last week or so hasn't been so bad. We had a bbq for husband's birthday after our nephew's christening in the morning. It was a mad day. It rained, but was enjoyable, and those that came along seemed to enjoy it.

Yesterday I met up with a doula. She charges £150 as a trainee doula, has never attended a birth before but reckons she is over-qualified really with all her bach remedies and natural birthing etc. I think the visit posed more questions than it answered. The lady was nice enough, but I've got nagging doubts that she is right for us. Do we really need a doula anyway? Now that I'm more prepared, perhaps we can go it alone? Or is anyone better than having nobody? I've contacted another couple, but I suppose at the moment I'm thinking maybe we'll end up not having one and just preparing as best we can in other ways. Speaking of which, a pregnant mum from 'group' has asked me to join her at antenatal yoga, so I think I'm going to give that a go. She can also lend me a hypnobirthing CD which might be a good start.

Husband is now half-way to Glasgow for a leadership course. Elizabeth and I took him to the station this lunch-time and waved him off. Elizabeth loved seeing the train, and reckoned that Dad was ok 'sitting' on the train (even though I knew he wasn't as he didn't get a seat!). She can also do a good impression of a tearful me waving him off. I guess I've been focusing on the practicalities of him being away - that I have to bath and bed Elizabeth single-handedly. But when it came to it I realise that we are just never apart now, we are a team and have been since that 21st November day when I went into hospital, dealing with whatever came our way together. I suddenly feel very lost and alone, and quite silly as I know that in two days time he'll be back!!!