Sleep programme

After a miserable and very tiring week I spoke to the health visitor on 18th September and was advised to try a sleep programme, as the getting up two or three times per night to feed Elizabeth is breaking me now! We wouldn't want to go down the controlled crying route anyway, but she was against that and suggested a version of 'pick up put down' that husband would have to carry out. We waited until Friday night when he would be off work the following day, and put it into action. Elizabeth woke soon after midnight, and one and a half hours of screaming and struggling went by. She wasn't screaming the whole time, her anger subsided and she started 'playing', posting her toys through the bars of the cot and babbling away. She finally did go back to sleep without feeding, and although she woke a little later on, she settled herself and we even had a bit of a lie-in.

Night two was not, as we thought it might be, better. She woke up and settled within half an hour, but when she woke up later on we had another hour and a half of upset, and by the time she went back to sleep at nearly 6am we were both shattered! She came into our bed after her first feed, and after playing for a little while and pulling my hair like mad, she fell asleep next to her sleeping Daddy.

Last night was similar, although the settling was made more difficult because her cold symptoms had worsened. I felt horrible having to give her a dose of Medised while she shouted and screamed, and was almost choking on it. She did eventually settle down, but woke every hour as it approached 7am, and in the end I got up and sat with her, stroking her hair and back as she settled again in the cot.

This morning she has gone into her cot at a reasonable time (9.10am) and has had a long nap so I've been able to have a shower, get dressed, put the breadmaker on, put the washing on, do the dishes, write a shopping list.... I was all geared up for going out at around 10am, but am not going to wake the sleeping Elizabeth so plans are being postponed.

This morning I was beginning to question the sleep programme. On the one hand I can't continue to feed her two to three times a night, particularly if we are going to start thinking about baby number two. She doesn't 'need' feeding, she is comfort feeding. But, I feel terrible for with-holding that comfort, when thus far she has had completely unfettered access to me. I reason that if we break this habit now it will be easier for her and us in the long-run, but I feel terrible.

Just when I was feeling at my most tired, and emotional following a very difficult meeting with work last week (grievance hearing now set for October 10th as no resolution was forthcoming) I was kicked in the teeth further by my friend of 30 years who decided in the name of honesty and 'cards on the table' to tell me that it was abornmal that Elizabeth was feeding so frequently and that she 'clearly wasn't getting enough'. She compared me to friends of hers who have babies who are able to go out, and said that it wasn't right that I couldn't. (I'd said that I couldn't go out to her birthday meal because we couldn't 'do' evenings at the moment). It seems I have chosen a path that people don't agree with: breastfeeding beyond 6 months, reusable nappies, no dummies, homemade food. I don't know why she feels the need to share her opinions with me - saying that it is because 'she cares' is a strange excuse because it was so obviously upsetting me. I wouldn't dream of judging other people's parenting, and just feel sick of all the passing judgement that goes with the territory. I need a thicker skin!

A low point

Well, Elizabeth is as fiercely determined to be independent as ever - she can pull herself up to standing now, holding onto the furniture, and is commando crawling everywhere. She wants to be into everything, and very quickly tires of her toys.

She has been waking up two or three times a night for weeks on end now, and the uncertainty about why remains. At first I thought it was teething - but I'm not sure. I'm so tired now it is untrue. This morning she was up just as I was going to bed, then woke again at around 4am, then again at 5am. I didn't feed her at 5am, and she did eventually go back to sleep, but then woke at 6am. She refused her breakfast this morning, and I tried to put her down for a nap at around 10am and she will not sleep. It is now 12 o'clock and I'm just trying again having just played with her downstairs for about an hour. She will not sleep.

I feel like I just need some time to myself - just a few minutes - to do something other than be a Mummy. Husband is at work today, Sunday, and I'm at a real low ebb. I'm sick of family and friends not helping - I don't know what I expect them to do really, and I suppose I resent the fact that they can do things. Having no money is really getting me down, and the uncertainty over my work is just so stressful. I'm tired beyond tired, and just wish I could have a rest and do some normal things like have my hair cut, buy some new clothes and see someone - anyone - outside of these four walls. Feel really, really depressed. I still love her to bits, obviously, but just feel that I'm getting more and more impatient and she gets more and more frustrated each day. I can see why some women reach the point that they want to return to work. Normality.

Work work work

Elizabeth has finally gone down to sleep but it has been a real battle. I can only put it down to teething - I think her front (top) two teeth are coming through and last night was nothing short of a nightmare. I decided to try 2 naps rather than 3 per day, so after she's up at 10am she stays up for lunch then goes down for her second nap of the day... or that is the idea anyway. She outright refused today, and after Calpol and Ashton and Parsons powder, two breastfeeds and lots of cuddles she has finally gone down. Things aren't helped by the fact that I decided to wash her 'Starbo' today - the navy and white striped star that we bought her before she was born which she has now adopted as her comforter. It was getting really manky as she chews the points, and the instructions said strictly no machine washing, but really had no option, so its on the line at the moment and hopefully it will be dry by tonight.

I've had a meeting with my Union caseworker in preparation for my grievance hearing. I was bolstered slightly by the news that my manager is going to submit a written statement to the hearing. Since then it seems we might put that hearing on hold and have another meeting to see if we can negotiate a solution - I suggested working one long day, working from home and working evenings. Obviously I can't do it all, but if there is a way out I'm willing to try. Husband suggested I could do it for the minimum time so I don't have to pay my maternity money back.

Otherwise I've been looking into further money-making schemes. Lollipop advisor sounds like a possibility - combining my love of cloth nappies with a flexible way to make money. I'm going to try and meet the local advisor so that she can outline the products to me, but I've also contacted a number of retailers with a view to buying at wholesale prices and basically going it alone. Not sure whether that is too risky given that I know nothing about the market in reality. I got lots of 'starting your own business' books from the library but obviously haven't had two minutes to read them yet!

Elizabeth is increasingly 'exploring' - she has just started to stand up in her cot holding onto the rail, and will pull herself up on the coffee table. When she gets ready for the bath now, husband puts her on the bedroom floor and she makes her own way into the bathroom. She plays with me every night after tea - she initiates a game where I scream and she screams (lots of fun!) and I hide from her and she looks out for me. She is just beginning to interact properly now.

Money worries still loom large, but hopefully things will be resolved with work one way or the other as we head towards Elizabeth's first birthday.