Yesterday was our third wedding anniversary. Despite wanting to enjoy the day, I was beaten by a wave of what I can only describe as depression. Its not that I'm unhappy exactly - just tired. Fatigued with being a Mum if you like, or worn out by the first trimester - I'm really not sure. I'm done in by the endless routine, and feel a deathly tiredness most of the time. I'm fed up generally with the lack of money which impinges on our every waking day. I worry subconsciously that our plans to decorate/replace car/get roof fixed/buy sofas etc will not come to fruition, and I feel fed up that I haven't got clothes/make-up/hairstyle etc. I can imagine people thinking I've 'let myself go' but I genuinely don't have the money to maintain my looks anymore, and even if I did I don't know where I'd find the time. I don't know how much of me is worried by the pregnancy/impending birth - I don't think I'm too worried at the moment, but again it could be subconscious. Elizabeth is trying. She has been better this week than last week, but still very prone to tantrums and very demanding.
Last night we returned to the Hadley Park House, our wedding reception venue, for an anniversary meal. Overcome with melancholy I could only reflect upon the fact that our family don't love us and support us as they (or at least some of them did) on our wedding day, and how we are sidelined by everyone all the time. The meal was lovely - I was not.
Have got GP appointment and midwife visit next week, and have just bought myself some new foundation in a bid to cheer myself up (if only it were that simple!). Got to try book a hairdressers appointment too now.
