A lot has happened...

... since I last posted.

The weekend brought with it the annual birthday bbq for husband - frantic. Stressful and frantic. I spent most of Saturday really snappety and borderline hysterical, then spent the evening up until 10pm preparing marinades and pecan pie and cupcakes...

The day itself was nice in that we could spend the morning with Mark and Angela before the guests arrived... then everything just went wild. I couldn't possibly be in two places at once (supervising Elizabeth eating her lunch, and pre-cooking the bbq food in the kitchen) and husband was outside doing his bbq thing in the rain. It was grey and damp, but the food seemed to go down well, and it was nice chatting to some of the people that we haven't seen in ages.

His actual birthday was on the Monday, and brought his parents and sister/brother-in-law/nephew over while I attempted to make a birthday cake and ice it, again under considerable psychological strain!!

My parents and brother called in on the way from the nursing home with the news that Grandad hadn't been eating or drinking, and this gave way to really scary news the next day (Tuesday). Dad took Nan in to be at his side as the nursing home seemed to think he didn't have long to live.

That night I went to the nursing home. Nan was there, as was Mum. It was really quiet and peaceful in some ways, but distressing and just so so sad. I knew that Grandad was going to die that night, and driving back looking at the moon realising that he wouldn't live to see another morning was just so so sad. The phone call came in the morning from Dad - he'd died at around 3am, and Nan was with him at the time. Painfully sad all day long, but comforted that I'd been to see him. In some respects though it was 'normal service' as I just had to get on and get the tasks of the day done, and didn't really have time to reflect or grieve. It kept catching me out as I loaded the washing machine or did some mundane thing - and I'd have a cry for Grandad.

Since then there have been lots of things that Dad mainly has had to arrange. The funeral is this Friday at Telford crematorium, and so far the list of people planning to speak stands at his brother Ken, son Ian, my Dad and sister, and his other brother Ron is reading a psalm. There will be one hymn - Love Divine, and we'll walk in to Ferry 'cross the Mersey, and out to You'll Never Walk Alone.

I've written Amy's speech with her, so know what she's going to say. I've also written my own letter which I'm taking to the Funeral Director's in Dawley tomorrow when I'm planning to see Grandad in the chapel of rest. There was a bit of a furore over the red shoes - Dad had provided Grandad's suit and clothes and a pair of red trainers as he couldn't find dark shoes. I objected thinking it wasn't really respectful, although I'm sure Grandad would have seen the funny side, so a pair of shoes were duly provided today.

I'm not sure what to expect really. Have never seen anyone dead before, but kind of want to see him at peace after seeing the suffering on the night before he died. It might be really scary - I hope not. Keep telling myself its nothing to be frightened of, its only my Grandy!

In amongst all of that husband did the Wolverhampton half marathon on Sunday, Edward's reflux has got worse, and I feel generally worse in myself. I went to clinic on Monday and Edward's weight gain has slowed, although he has just started commando crawling with a mission (as of yesterday). BLW has continued, but he is just so so sick all the time! I moaned on to the health visitor about it, and then made an appointment to see the GP on her advice but was told to wait another month. Then just feel the familiar feelings of not being able to cope with these two children, and that there is no enjoyable aspect to the day. Feel over-worked, exhausted, and just plain miserable. Thought I could go to a support group for people with PND but turns out the support group isn't running, so arranged for a health visitor to do a home visit next week on Monday.

Ho hum.